Formula Ugly

Here we go again.

F1's first four-day test at Jerez in Spain is now complete, and the implications are surprising and fascinating. While Mercedes managed a full race simulation, Red Bull are struggling to finish a full lap without the car coasting to a halt in a cloud of its own smoke. It would seem Jenson's prediction of a "hilarious" first test have come quite true, but it shouldn't really have surprised us: even before he joined Red Bull, Adrian Newey's cars were highly-strung glass cannons, and the fact that the Red Bull RB10 is breaking tells me he pushed it slightly over the razor's edge yet again. The relative ruggedness of the Mercedes W05 could just mean it is slow, even if they did start pouring resources into the turbo car a lot sooner than everyone else. If Red Bull can get the RB10 to hold together, I think it will give the rest of the grid a bit of a shock, but, as the Spartans pointed out to Phillip of Macedon, the key word is, "if." Too early to call, but at this stage it looks like we could be in for a tortoise-and-hare style championship, like '05. How fun!

But journos and Facebook experts are saying nothing about this. They've got smaller things on their minds - the crude and rather suggestive nose shapes most of the teams have emerged with. Williams were the first to debut their new car and, well...

The giggling started pretty much straight away. One Facebook page ran a caption comp (my entry being, "Why yes, I do drive a rather flash car, how did you know?" Didn't check to see if it got any likes), while others agreed Williams are just begging for sponsorship from a condom manufacturer, which I feel is just wrong.

Plainly it should be Lotus.

And that's why there hasn't been much analysis of the Jerez test yet; everyone's too busy moaning about how ungodly ugly the class of 2014 is.

I swear they do this every year. In 2012 it was the step-noses that so offended to their optical apparatus. Before that it was the new wings, which looked less like Grand Prix machinery and more like, "a Formula Atlantic car from the 1970s." The year before that it was all the aerodynamic furniture encrusting their sleek noses and engine cowls (Honda's "Dumbo wings" and Renault's "1950s land speed record fin" drawing particular ire). And there will always be a segment of the fandom upset the cars have wings at all.

Not to be rude, but you can't help noticing that the guys making this kind of talk tend to be of a... certain age. Auto Action #1576 ran with the cover "Formula Ugly", and editor Rob Margeit's column was fairly typical:

For me, as a child growing up and falling in love with F1, part of the appeal lay in the simple beauty of of the cars. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on Mario Andretti's low-slung JPS Lotus. Respendent in its classic black-and-gold warpaint, Andretti's sleek racer was everything a race car should be. In the 1980s, I was enamoured of Gordon Murray's Brabham BT52 that propelled Nelson Piquet to the 1983 title... In 1991, team boss Eddie Jordan turned to F1 and made an immediate impact with the 191, designed by Gary Anderson and featuring the classic "coke bottle" shape. Look at it today and it still makes your heart beat just that little bit quicker.

And then, like clockwork:

Go back to the 1960s and F1 car design was an art. From sleek Brabhams, nimble Lotuses and gorgeous Dan Gurney Eagle, the 1960s represented the apogee of F1 car design. At least in terms of aesthetics.

Sigh. Yes, even in 2014, there are still people who can't forgive us for moving on from the Lotus 49.

Now I'm sorry Rob, everyone, but I just don't get it. You know what the cars of '66-'68 looks like to me? Primitive. They were simple, sure, but as far as I'm concerned simple is for simpletons. Give me complexity. Give me the fluid razor curves of the 2008 title rivals, the Ferrari F2008 and McLaren MP4-23, the most evenly-matched cars of the Noughties, maybe of all time. All I ever read in the official publications was how they looked like an aerodynamic dog's breakfast, but I just loved visualising the slipstream flowing around them, like some sort of fractal art in motion. I didn't care that they were the opposite of simple, they were clever, their shapes the result of an incredible amount of computer jamming, trial & error, and sheer hard work. They were and are, absolutely breathtaking.

It's no secret what's going on here. Everyone's idea of what Formula 1 should be is formed in the early days when they first encounter the sport; that's the era that gets framed by the nostalgia goggles and held up as the standard by which all other eras are measured. It happens to all of us, so I'm not going to be so unkind as to deprive the older fans of their right to an opinion. I just want them to realise that it happened differently to us young'uns. If you need a moment to gather up your blown mind, take all the time you need, we'll wait.

Cars with dongs on the front take a bit of getting used to, I'll admit. I'm not going to explain the technical loophole that created them, others have done a better job of that better already. But I will finish off by pointing out a basic principle. Want to see the four most beautiful Grand Prix cars of all time?

1992 Williams

1998 McLaren

2002 Ferrari

2011 Red Bull

The car that wins most looks best. So has it always been.