The Real Cost of Chrissie

Every year PNC publishes its Christmas Price Index, listing the current price for all the true love's gifts in the song 12 Days of Christmas. This year it was over $155,000, and thinking that isn't very relatable to the average American, every year blogging great Fred Clark publishes his own price index using another song, Robert Earl Keene's Merry Christmas from the Family.

As you can tell from the triple-barrelled name (with "Earle" in it, no less), it's a southern-fried good ol' boys kinda song, but the scenario is probably familiar everywhere: the celebrations are in mid-revel, the inlaws have placed unanticipated strain on the logistics, and somebody's going to have to head down to the local Kwik-E-Mart Stop-N-Go to pick up a list of items – 12 of them, in fact:

ice

extension cord

can of bean dip

Diet Rites

box of Pampers

Marlboro Lights

celery

can of fake snow

bag of lemons

Diet Sprites

box of tampons

Salem Lights

But the whole point of this list is that it's relatable, and I had no idea what half those items even were. So, this year I thought I'd have a go at calculating the Keene-Clark Christmas Price Index for myself. Not a huge chore – nobody knows what's on the shelves at the local convenience store better than me, I put most of it there myself. But since some of these things don't exist in Australia, I did my best to substitute a local equivalent. Fred, I hope these match up.

• Ice was easy enough: 5kg bag, $4.20. Next.
• Extension cord? Also easy. Coles own brand, $10.00.
• Can of Bean Dip? I have no idea what "bean dip" is, or why it comes in a can (refried beans maybe? Seems a bit stiff to run Doritos through...), so I focused in on that one word, "dip," and went for a common brand that'll be appearing everywhere: Kraft French Onion Dip, $2.50.
• "Diet Rites" is apparently a cheap knockoff brand of cola; it doesn't exist in Australia (and apparently it barely exists in the U.S. outside the deep south anymore), and although its rival RC can be found if you have some variety in your 24-hour convenience stores, it's not available anywhere near me. So I substituted another cheap knockoff cola brand: once again, Coles own! At 75 cents for 1.25 litres, easily the cheapest item on here.
• Pampers turned out to be a brand of nappies, the rough equivalent here being Huggies. And a bulk 54-pack of those goes for $16.00.
• Marlboro Lights are tricky given the black & white nature of Australia's tobacco advertising laws, since I'm not sure if this will count as advertising. I'll try and skirt the issue by not revealing the carton size and point out it was Keene who mentioned the brand, not me. Either way, $29.99.
• Celery sold in 300g bags for $3.00. Presumably to go with that can of bean dip French Onion Dip.
• You know noothin', can of fake snow. And you're just Impossible to find. I tried Target, I tried both supermarkets, I even tried The Reject Shop that's just opened: nothing, 404, zip. But I'm thinking that's okay actually, because real snow doesn't play a big role in an Australian Christmas either. So I substituted what everyone will absolutely be needing – a replacement gas cylinder for the barbie, which we can swap out for $25.00. Done.
• Bag of Lemons: No dramas, $4.50.
• Diet Sprite: $5.30 for a bottle. The difference between that and the price of Coles cola reflects the difference between buying a knockoff at a supermarket vs buying a name brand from a servo. Even though ours closes earlier than the supermarket.
• Box of Tampons: Only brand we stock are U, in Regular or Super Slim. Either way, $5.00.
• Salem Lights aren't available in Australia, so I had to choose an equivalent pack of cheap crap. And since this replacement brand was necessarily of my choosing and choosing a particular brand absolutely does count as advertising, I'm not going to mention what it was. But I will say it cost $20.99.

Which brings the total bill for our servo run to $127.23, which at current exchange rates works out as $92.20 in USD. That's remarkably close to Fred's 2013 total of $91.31, especially given the colossal just-quit-already tobacco prices in this country, so the only answer must be that Americans are paying too much for literally everything else. And paying for it with a minimum wage you can't legally pay a minor in this country.

There you go: I didn't set out to prove a point, but I have anyway. Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Ashura and New Year to you all and enjoy whichever solstice it is you're celebrating, even if you end up being the one who has to go and get all this stuff.

And since all of this could be construed as Coles advertising, let me redress the balance: shop at Aldi instead.